I didn't know metrosexuals liked pain and pleasure (PNP)...

Blogger Perez Hilton is no metrosexual, he's a full blown fag. But more importantly, he's also interested in "groups" "casual sex" and "pain and pleasure (PNP)". So he likes to be doing drugs and spanked and flogged by a bunch of people while flipping (wtf does that mean?) and getting fucked (says he is versatile, which everyone knows means bottom)?

He also likes to occasionally use drugs and is rockin a 7.5" which according to a friend, is internet inches for 3-4", which is a pinky winky (plus he's fat now so it probably shrank even more). At least he's negative and not spreading HIV, but since he's hangin with Paris, you know he is spreading other things like the herp and crabs.

I seriously just vomed even thinking about the self hating fag that would fuck this douche bag.

[Thanks Sassy, I heart you]

Wal-Mart wants to get your rocks off...



Wal-Mart has been selling DVD players that are already pre loaded for load blowing. When powered on, instead of inserting your own movie such as Bambi II or Ass to Ass 2: The Return of Two-Face, there is already a nice little surprise waiting for you.

This bitch isn't the first one to be affected, one of the personalities on the Kidd Kraddick show was also assaulted with porn in her "brand new" DVD player.

Wal-Mart says that they do not restock returned merchandise, but obviously somebody is fucking with the cheap ass white trash who can't go to fucking Best Buy to buy their electronic goods.

Is there some kind of porn bandit, who buys DVD players, inserts their porn disc, then returns it, hoping Wal-Mart will sell it to some bitchy mom? I would really think this is pretty assenine, as that is such a waste of good porn!

Cheap ass couldn't just pay for his tickets?

Democratic senator Harry Reid accepted free boxing tickets from the state of Nevada because he is trying to have more government control over the "sport." The state wanted him to go to a match and understand the implications it would have on the state if they imposed more regulations, and although legally it was fine he took the tickets, was it right?

Karl Rove is reallly stretching for Democratic scandals by bringing this shit to light, but nevertheless the cheap ass should have just paid for the tickets so he couldn't be scrutinized. It's not like he didn't have the money, of course he's probably around Lieberman a lot, so I'm sure some of that rubbed off on him.

With one Democratic Congressman hiding cash monies in his freezer, and another being one of those Vegas freebie addicts, is the Democratic party really that broke? Is Dick Durbin gonna start hawkin shit in his garage? Say no to tort reform, this shit is getting ridiculous!

Russian takes officer on death ride



Some bitch was faced with a ticket, but instead of bowing gracefully, he trapped the police officer's hand in the car window and drove off tryin to take his ass for a death ride.

I guess he never learned that you can't just drag people with your car without consequences. This is Russia, not Jasper, Texas.

The police officer is recovering, while the driver said that it never happened and it was a conspiracy by an enemy in the police department.

You gotta love Eastern Europe. A small tale of road rage suddenly becomes international espionage. It makes me warm inside just thinking about how far it could go. I hear a movie deal and shit. Man accused of road rage suddenly opens up the biggest conspiracy in modern history that shoots all the way up the ladder to the President of the United States. Be there, Summer 2008.

Limeys know how to keep it real...

One in six limeys has admitted that they drink on the job. You know them bitches aren't having a spot of tea and a crumpet during tea time.

They are chugging a couple bottles of Bass or Boddingtons, gettin schlitzed, and goin back to work all like, "Cheerio old chum... now back to wroorrrkkghg... ah bollocks, I'll just have another drink to balance it out... chug chug... where's the bloody wanker who stole my stapler? I'll kighgmmgubaboo... *snore*..."

Now that's the kind of office I wanna work at.

The New Messiah will destroy the alien spawn



Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt has risen. The baby was C-sectioned out of momma Angelina Saturday night in Africa.

You know this kid is going to grow up to save the world from the crazy ass TomKat alien baby Suri. With her rock star brother Maddox to guide her, the child will save us all.

Hopefully Apple and Moses Martin will lend a helping hand. Unfortunately, I see Bluebell Haliwell going to the dark side.

Stalkers are in for a major treat!

Some nerdala has declared that cloaking technology can be developed in our time. Using metamaterials to redirect light and electromagnetic radiation, we could have cloaking devices like in Star Trek and Harry Potter.

You know some crazy stalker is just wetting themself thinking about how they could slip into a bed room and watch your ass sleep. That is some creepy shit. Of course, I could use it and fuck with people and they couldn't see me. That would be hot shit.

Go to McDonald's and slap the trays out of bitches hands. Or set all the puppies free from their hellacious disease infested dens at Pet Smart.

Or become a super assassin and kill some bitches. Just you wait, Sammy superspy. You can't see me, but I can see you.

Global Warming will make that shit bigger, itchier...



Poison Ivy is just going to get bigger and more toxic with the high levels of greenhouse gases which contribute to global warming.

That shit is scary. I don't wanna be climbing through some back ass forest and trip into some giant plant of itchiness. Poison Ivy is shitty enough, it doesn't need to get worse just so you can drive your giant SUV like an asshole and almost kill my ass cause you aren't looking into your blind spots.

You don't get me off, I'll murder your ass

Some dude tried to strangle his lawyer for not getting his ass off for murder in Massachusetts. Hell yeah I'd kick his ass if he was too busy staring up juror #2's skirt rather than defending my ass.

Of course he could have been obviously guilty, in that point strangling his lawyer would just be redundant as everyone already knew his ass was crazy.

Him and the singing hobo who only responds in a musical medley (even when being beaten by the cops he goes "ooohhh pleeeasseee don't beat me, for I am just a poor tree, living by the seaaa!") should definitely become BFF.

And now... let the rape begin!



Kenneth Lay and his bitch Skilling both got convicted by a jury today in Houston. The former Enron execs are now going to be sitting in a jail cell and will only have each other and the tons of bubbas who gang bang them nightly to console each other.

Finally some corporate schmucks get what they deserve. Lets hope the appeals process takes soo long that they take more man juice up their bum than a Baptist virgin.

Sentencing will be on September 11.

Bitch got caught, he should step his ass down

Ok, so this Democratic Congressman William Jefferson is being asked to step down from his committee post, but he is refusing. Listen Mr. Jefferson, when your ass is hiding $90,000 of bribe money in your freezer, and you get caught by the FBI, I believe it is time to step down.

Of course he knows that Louisiana doesn't give a shit if you are a crook (they re elected Edwin Edwards) so he knows as long as he isn't arrested and convicted, then he can still win re-election.

Problem is that all the Democrats want his ass out cause they don't need scandal with this gain in approval thanks to Bush and the Republican mistakes (ahem Tom Delay ahem).

Step down mother fucker. If my ass had cash monies hidden in the fucking popsicle box, I wouldn't be "declaring my innocense," I'd be on a plane to Tahiti with my concubine before they take away all my money.

New study shows parents suck at parenting



A new study shows that 8 out of 10 kids watch too much tv. Apparently children as young as 6 are glued to this shit.

Now I am all for tv, but when parents start using it as a babysitting tool, then get pissed off cause little Billy is repeating what he heard on The Sopranos, or fucking some other 10 year old bitch in homage to The O.C., and censor my shit, I have a problem.

All these uppity people who don't control what their kids watch, don't need to be controlling what I watch either. I like some fuckin and shootin and cussin in my nightly viewing pleasures, so leave me be.

I really do think that kids need a balance of tv and reading. You don't want a bunch of dumb asses becoming the future white trash of America cause they are watching wayyy too much Blue Collar TV. That should never be allowed. We don't want kids aspiring to be dirty rednecks. Instead they should watch America's Next Top Model, because it will instill them the high moral fiber and values that America is all about!

I should start betting on Idol

Taylor Hicks rocked it all the way to the end, becoming the 5th American Idol. Everyone knew his ass was gonna win, even McPhee who had this look on her face like, "Damn, his crazy tarets ass won... oh well I don't have to give all my cash monies to fucking AI, so fuck off bitches, I shall return!"

I am glad Taylor won. I picked his ass to win from the beginning, and he was never in the bottom 3. This is the 5th time I have picked the winner from the auditions. Cause I am awesome like that. You know it's true.

Now off to Vegas, to bet on season 6. Hopefully they will be a lot better than season 5, cause my ass couldn't take another Elliot or that fat Mexican guy who got kicked off first, how the hell he made it to that far beats the hell out of me. Paula was probably wasted, well more like was wasted.

Poor bitches got stuck on the train



A power outage caused trains en route to New York from DC to be stuck in the Hudson River tunnel. You know that shit is anarchy cause all them crazy train hobos are probably screamin and stabbin.

If my ass got stuck in one of those, I would definitely not be Mr. Happy. You know some people are using the quality dark and terrifying circumstances to get it on. If you were stuck, wouldn't you find the most fuckable person and have a nice humpin session? It could be your last night on Earth, you gotta go out with a 'bang.' Or gang bang if that's what you're into you dirty slut!

Damn hobos, Freddy Krueger will cut a bitch

Some dude dressed up like Freddy Krueger stabbed a homeless man with his knife finger thingies following an altercation they had on Hollywood Blvd.

Ok, what I want to know is why would anyone want to fuck with Freddy? I mean I know that homeless people are crazy and worthless, but still, the bitch shoulda known not to get in a fight with a dude dressed like Freddy and wearing a fucking glove with knife fingers on it, cause that bitch is obviously crazy and will cut your ass.

Man pays $2.75 million for satan's phone number



A Qatar man paid $2.75 million for the cell phone number 666-6666, all the more showing that rich people are fucking insane.

Why would you want that number? So you can have cheeky voice mail answering messages in a devil voice, or things that say "hello there, this is the phone of lucifer, please leave me a message, and have a terrible day!"

Or phone ringtones like "The Number of the Beast." Actually that'd be one rockin phone! It could have a red cover or something.

I bet the government is gonna tap that shit. Satan is a terrorist after all.

Bush doesn't want to see Al Gore's movie

After going on and on about how important the environment is and how we need to be less dependent on oil, Dubya was asked if he would see Al Gore's new movie about global warming and answered "doubt it."

Well no shit, Sherlock, of course his ass wouldn't see that movie. It is a documentary which in Bushism means "mommy, this boring, put on the funny muscle man from California who blows stuff up! yayyy!!!"

I for one want to see it. It tells of things like mountains that are no longer snow capped and how 2005 was the hottest year of all time (and here in Texas it feels like 2006 will trump that shit, it's 95 fucking degrees in May!!!)

Man braver than I: Fuck suing him, run over HIS ass!



A man is suing his neighbor $1.6 million for running over his dog. The "loss of companionship" lawsuit might actually set a precedent in animal rights, as the law stands right now dogs are "property" thus not viable for noneconomic damages.

I hope the man wins the lawsuit. If someone ran over His Dogginess himself, The Buster, I would fucking run over their stupid ass. And then I would set fire to his house and inject his family with terrible diseases.

Cause that's how I roll.

Hurricanes are gonna blow us even harder (not the good kind)

The hurricanes this year are going to be even worse than the ones we had last year. That means that Kuntrina's sisters are out to show her skanky ass up, and are gonna try to blow as many people as possible.

Look out y'all, cause I sure as hell would not want to live on the coast with these nasty bitches comin after my ass!

Malicious Yahoo! Messenger worm plays makes you listen to shitty music...



A worm (a form of computer virus) that wiggles through Yahoo Messenger hijacks your web browser and takes you to sites that infect your computer, but it also plays this shitty crap rock every time you boot up.

So basically some kid who has never been laid wants to make you listen to his crappy garage band and could only develop said device with the help of adware and spyware sites, so match made in heaven I guess.

But you can't make people listen to shitty music unless you are Clear Channel. Take a hike Johnny Nerdala, I'm not buying, and neither is the girl next door, she's wayyy out of your league. Why don't you just shoot yourself now, while you haven't made an even bigger mess of things.

Bitch, gimme my money! Ikagoshakala my ass!

I want my gas station to stop raping me on accident...



Some gas station fucked up and started chargin $0.29 a gallon. Dude that is hot shit. I would fucking fill up my car, then get like barrells and fill them up. Then I could live off of my cheap gas and stop siphoning from my brother's car.

They fixed the problem after about 90 minutes. They couldn't believe they were having so many customers. Well yeah dumb fucks, that's what happens when you stop charging people for their first born son just to fill up their 80-gallon SUV!!!!

You can't have freedom fries without a couple of casualties!

A grenade was found in a french fry plant. Apparently a lot of World War I and II pieces of shrapnel and shit show up in the bags of potatoes imported from Belgium and France.

I may like me some french fries, but I don't wanna blow up! Damn commie bastards are tryin to kill our asses.

EDIT by Morticia: okay - how fuckin old are these bags of potatoes if they have WWI and WWII grenades in them?! do those fuckin grenades get picked along with the potatoes or some shit!?!? dayum!

Fuck you Mexico, we don't want your shitty taco jobs...



Mexico doesn't give people jobs if they aren't native born, yet expects us to allow all these fucking illegal immigrants to break the law by coming over here and reward them with citizenship?

To hell with them, they are just trying to cut down their population cause they haven't heard of the morning after pill and need to kick all the babymommas up to America so we can take care of them.

Or they are just trying to take over America slowly so they will eventually garner so much political pull that they can change it to North Mexico. Seriously, they send all these people over here and slowly but sureley they will breed their way into the majority and take over everything. It is actually quite a smart plan, which is why I couldn't believe that is what is happening.

I mean they aren't getting a stellar education in their own rat ass country, nor here, so I highly doubt that such a profound strategic move would be made by anyone from the Americas.

Well maybe Canada, but they wouldn't want to come over here. They are all like, "move to America, are you crazy, eh? wait, i'm lost, what were you talking aboot, eh?"

Just face it Yahoo, Google owns your ass!

Yahoo! is trying to revamp their look again in efforts to beat out the competition posed by Google. They are adding all this shit to make it "easier to route through the extra bullplop..." The biggest problem is that Google rocks and isn't full of all that extra shit. When Yahoo started going away from the search engine and to more user stuff, is when Google started taking over.

If you want the extra stuff, then you can go to it, but if I am searching for a monsters that look like the one in my closet, or for butt implants blessed by a priest, then I am going to google it, because I want to get to those search results ASAP, not have to weed through all the unimportant things like news and weather.

That's why google wins. It's just a search engine, but you can get all the other stuff as well if you want it (of course why would you want libelous fake news on with way to much opinion on those other sites, when you can get the cold hard facts right here on newslined!)

Louisiana Democrats love that cookie jar...



Much like most LA Democrats, Congressman William Jefferson has been caught accepting bribes.

This bitch is on the Ways and Means Committee (the most powerful role in congress) and is doin this shit. Is he crazy? The Republicans will eat up any Democratic scandal they can muster, and lord knows they are in charge of those who look into scandals (one of reasons they get away with so much) so even though the Democrats are just as shady, and stupid, they should know better.

This guy had the $100,000 hidden in his freezer wrapped in fucking aluminum foil and in the bag of peas and shit. Yeah, he's not guilty. Stupid asses deserve to get caught when they take their scandal bribe money hiding tips from movies like Blow and Goodfellas (if you don't remember the characters went to fucking jail!) That's like finding a bag of blow in a teenagers care and him saying, "that's not mine...". Just wait for his ass to pull the black card, or the frame up or some shit.

This is much like former governer of LA, Edwin Edwards. That bitch was so crooked he had to screw his socks on. But the difference with the Jefferson douche, is that Edwin knew how to play the shady game well.

He got bribed and was all like yeah I took that money. And the prosecutor was like "see he admits to taking the bribe..." And Edwin was like, "no I didn't take a bribe," and the prosecutor was like, "but you took the money to vote this way, you admitted it," and Edwin was like, "yeah I took the money, but I didn't vote the way he wanted me to so it wasn't a bribe," and the prosecutor was like, "so you took the money for your vote, but didn't vote that way?" and Edwin was like, "yeah! I'm not gonna turn down free money!"

His ass got off, too. Genius!

Democrats take the lesson of Edwin Edwards, if you are gonna be a shady mcshadester, then do it right! And don't fucking hide your money like some kinda crack dealer, that's what Swiss bank accounts are for!

Fug face went bye bye, now its war!

Elliot's fug ass got sent home, no surprise. It's down to the final two, Taylor and Kat (hate that term but I am too lazy to find out how to truly spell her name).

As usual I predicted the final two. I have yet to miss a winner from my audition picks. I picked Kelly/Justin, with her winning, I picked Ruben to win, I picked Fantasia to win (wanted Latoya though) and I picked Carey to win. This year I picked Taylor to win and Kat to be in top two.

So I am still the raining champ on picking (it's kind of obvious when you watch the auditions, they always have the 1 or 2 that totally stand out in talent and everything else).

The craptastic thing is that more people believe their vote on American Idol is more important than voting for the President. Of course, I would have to agree with the shit we've been given (on either side). At least Taylor Hicks doesn't make me want to vom on my tv or to flee to Canada to keep my civil liberties).

Homey don't play dat: AT&T bein sued for shady dealings with NSA



AT&T is sweatin right now because a class action lawsuit was filed for them illegally giving over phone and e-mail records to the government.

Apparently they are saying that it was a matter of national security, and the government is bein all pissy cause if the case is tried, they will be busted for all the illegal shit they are doing. You know the government just wants to find your information so they can call and leave messages of sweet nothings on your cell phone.

The other companies denied involvement, which is so stupid cause it has been proven and reported that they did hand over the information.

Either way, I smell quite a scandal. My personal favorite is this:

Nichols also contended that the constitutional authority of the president ``trumps the right of public citizens to have their day in court. It's not a new thing.''

Yeah, that makes me feel really warm and fuzzy. More like heated and furious. I don't want nobody spyin on my ass.

To hell with terrorism, we're gonna find Jimmy Hoffa!

You know the FBI is desperate for a win when they start digging up a farm in Michigan to find the former Teamsters president, Jimmy Hoffa.

This bitch has been missing for 31 years now. Everyone knows his ass got whacked, but where they hid the body has been quite a mystery. Apparently there have been rumors that he was buried on this farm that had "suspicious" activities the day he went missing.

The rumors have been circulating for years, and they just now decided to investigate? I mean I know it takes a while for the government to get off their ass and look into something, but decades of rumors? Did someone just find the report by accident? Some agent was probably banging his boyfriend on the filing cabinet, and the report just fell out cause there was too much motion in the ocean. And he was like "awww shit, everyone will know my name when I find his dead ass!"

They better get the CSI team out there, pronto. They don't wanna miss any minute clues laying about (cause you know evidence doesn't go anywhere after 31 years in that show).

This shit is fuckin scurry



So I love scary movies. All of them. But I never get scared. Seriously, I will get startled cause some asshole who made Dawson's Creek got all uppity and decided to throw shit in your face for an hour and twenty minutes, and when the guy finally comes you're so sick of JLove being a dumb skank, that you start rooting for him! But truly scared? Nah. Doesn't happen.

Until last night. I know it looks cheesy as hell, but honestly, When a Stranger Calls is one of the scariest movies I have ever seen.

Why is it so scary? Because it isn't all about lame ass flashy dead guy returned with a hook and picking off your friends one by one. No it was all psychological. The movie runs 87 minutes, but it's more like 80 minutes of suspense and mind fucks. I also watched it alone while house sitting for a friend at like 1:00 in the morning, so don't judge my ass.

You bitches should check it out, but be sure to wear your pampers, don't want you wetting your panties. Plus, if the phone rings, right after you've seen it, you'll seriously question answering it. Now that's a good scary movie!

G-mail Chat: Ry, Sammy discuss American Idol (Go home fug face!)

2:25 PM Ryan: why sad?

2:29 PM dude, today has been crazy
i learned how to hack an ipod and take files from it to the computer
20 minutes

2:49 PM me: NICE

Ryan: i'm going to jack all your songs when i get home

2:50 PM yeah, apple can't keep me down!
me: okk hold on

2:56 PM me: hahaha nice, so it wont fuck up my ipod will it

2:57 PM Ryan: no i just downed my music from mine to share with the office people it's just a backdoor apple doesn\'t want people to know about very non-invasive they just gave me a VoIP phone, it's attached through my laptop, so they can track my ass down anywhere I go!

2:58 PM Ryan: what are you doing today

me: working update newslined damnit

Ryan: nice i can't go there on this computer

me: y

3:00 PM Ryan: cause they track internet usage

3:01 PM me: so

Ryan: i can't
what are you doing today

me: working
update newslined
damnit

Ryan: nice
i can't
2:59 PM i can't go there on this computer

me: y

3:00 PM Ryan: cause they track internet usage

3:01 PM me: so

Ryan: i can't
until i get home

3:04 PM me: they track it here they have to look at it to see doubt they are gonna look at it unless u give em reason to

Ryan: i'm so new, i'm not going to push it wait until I'm a little more settled why don't you update it, i\'m busy too

me: ugh
3:05 PM i am too
me: i cant wait for BB7

Ryan: me either, that will be some prime quality shit
3:16 PM we have to vote the for Janelle like crazy
oh Kidd Kraddick said he heard a really strong source say Fug Face Elliot is going home

3:20 PM me: nice

3:22 PM Ryan: yeah, it'll be a nail biter tonight, cause you know those people are whack they do crazy things
i hope paula keels over from shock
her drunk ass needs a hospital stay

3:25 PM me: fuck yes i hope she cries her ass off and pisses off kathryn and taylor
u know she hates kathryn

Ryan: me too
she does
she hates her cause she is so booty-ful

me: i fucking loved how hard theyve tried to make this a guys competition and kathryn keeps defying their asses

3:26 PM i hope she can pull it off one more time
theyve OBVIOUSLY had a bias against her, yet she still somehow keeps clingin on cause the fans love her

Ryan: i think Simon likes her

me: i do too

Ryan: he picked the perfect song for her
simon is the least biased

3:27 PM me: i think he did it so shed have a fighting chance to stay on
Ryan: even if he hates your ass, he will give you props if you rock
yeah me too
i'm glad paula didn't pick her song, instead she sent goat boy home

me: yuppers
i cant believe he got this far
3:28 PM i mean come on
that senators daughter was better than his ass

Ryan: yeah, but she was frigid

me: people were all sayin how hell do well,
and i was like yeah!
in the las vegas motel 6!
hell be the headliner

3:29 PM Ryan: haha i just laughed out loud

me: people were bashing kathryn saying she thinks shes fantasia
and i was like ummm minus the baby!
and she HAS a career ahead of her

3:30 PM Ryan: exactly AND she doesn't sound like a duck and Kat can read ohhhh that was mean bad ryan

me: and would at least abort that shit
oh snap
kelly clarksons still my favorite

Ryan: cool beans
kelly is my favorite thus far
kat will be my new favorite, cause she's sassy

me: yeah i like her, but she still doesnt have the bad assness and booty like kelly does
3:32 PM i think its cause kellys a texan
and kats a california girl
3:33 PM lately taylors been a bit too polished for me, i liked his rawness a lot more
and it seems like hes losing it
i love kathryn for her polish and control, i loved taylor for his raw grittyness
3:34 PM but it seems like hes trying to be something hes not (dancing on purpose is not cool) and singing lessons are taking it away so im kinda torn

Ryan: yeah, i feel you, cause taylor\'s first performance last night was amazing and his other two - he was trying too hard

me: yeah

Ryan: i like it when he's singing and it's happenstance

me: exactly

3:35 PM Ryan: but now Kat just belts out angel-voice

me: like his audition (still my fav taylor vocal)

Ryan: and when she's on it, she's ON it
yeah, i liked that too
i think both of them need to sing more alcapella

me: yea

I fucking hate Jimmy Kimmel

This bitch had my ass going.

So I was watching Jimmy Kimmel live and he had these animals on it and shit, then this fucking giant rattle snake bit him on the hand.

So he's all cussing, like seriously fuck every other word, and EMTs come out and haul his ass out on a stretcher. And he's all like "I told them [the producers] I didn't want animals."

Then it's obviously a joke later in the show, so I'm done. Not cool, maybe next time he will be bitten by some animal. Or raped. That'd be hot shit.

That sucks

They'll fuck it up as usual: Democrats leading polls



The Democrats are leading the Republicans for the mid term polls by 14 points, but you know their asses always do the same thing, fuck it up at the end. It's like the Bad News Bears, they make all this improvement and get ahead of the "bullies," but in the end they are a bunch of nerdy pussies who get beaten by the tougher assholes.

If they would just let their balls drop a little, get someone who doesn't run over your ass cause he's had a few too many glasses of tea (the Long Island kind), or have a candidate that wasn't the most fug creature in the existence of television (the hair has got to go), then maybe they would win some.

I mean the Republicans definitely win in the looks department (they don't have to get plastic surgery *cough* Joe Biden *cough*).

Seriously, the Republicans have better hair, too. You'd think that since the gays are generally on the Democrats' side, they would pony up some styling. These hippy frocks and Donald Trump-old man comb overs are not winning ya any votes.

Either way, we'll see how the mid terms turn out. You know some whiley Arabian dude is gonna open the flood gates of cheap gasoline and suicide bombings so the Republicans can win over some votes, but at least they have the balls to be shady. Politics is war, and you gotta do whatever it takes to win (and using dead people to vote for you has been done, find something new).

Fucking kick em in the balls and call em Sally if ya got to, but give me something.

Greatest job ever: Do you look like a celebrity?

I may only like Jim Carrey when he does indie movies, but he is seriously a genius.

When vacationing in Israel, he paid some dude who looked like him to check into some awesome hotel and lure the paparazzi away from his ass. Dude that is hot shit. I would love if some dude came up to me and was like, "hey man, wear this shirt and go stay at that nice hotel while I get down with my bitches...".

Luckiest guy ever! Of course the down side is that he looked like Jim Carrey. Ouch!

Take that CyberNanny! Porn companies can continue to fool you...



Icann, the people who decide on internet names like .com or .gov, decided against the .xxx domain name for porn companies.

The companies were glad they didn't have to shift to this, as they like fooling your ass with "yaho.com" and other sites that profit cause your ass can't type.

It's about time the porn companies get a break. All these people that talk shit are all the ones secretly beating it off to The Oral Office and Sluts for Hire 8. Nobodies fooling my ass. I think porn is great, it gets people off cause they can't get any from a real person. The nerds and trolls need this shit.

Yeah, having a President named Jeb wouldn't make us seem like a backwater country

GW said that Jeb, his brother, would make a great President. That is if having a death toll almost as high as his big brothers in his state prison system is a qualification, then yeah.

But honestly, Jeb said he wasn't thinking about it. You know his ass won't run cause there is no way in hell he could win.

Would we want even more Bushes in the White House? His name is fucking Jeb. How ridiculous would we look at the United Nations peace conference if our commander in chief was all like, "Howdy y'all, I'm the President of the United States, Jeb, uheeyuh..."

Plus he's an asshole. And if we keep indulging pussies and assholes, we're gonna end up with shit everywhere.

Be sure to use code words, big brother is listening to your ass



The NSA has been getting call records from major phone companies so they can see who your ass is calling, without a warrant.

The only company who refused to cooperate is Qwest, meaning anyone who uses them better find a new service plan, cause them bitches are gonna get cuh-losed down.

They are spying on our asses. The calls they are "researching" are all Americans calling Americans, and how this is to find terrorists beats me.

You bitches be forewarned. If you wanna call your hookup, you better use code words for the crack and gonj. Don't be all like "hey man, I need some crack," when calling your dealer. A much better approach would be, "Hey, I need some help landscaping, could you do my yard work for me?" That way they'll think you are calling a Mexican, and you know their asses will leave you alone, cause they sure as hell aren't busting on illegals. They'd rather go after the citizens.

Women can spot their babydaddy just by lookin at his face!

A new study shows that women can tell who their babydaddy is going to be just by looking at him. Apparently women can look at a man's face and tell whether he will be a "good father," and "like children."

I call a big ol bullshit to this, cause there are plenty of women who married attractive guys and got their ass beat cause they didn't cook or wait on his ass fast enough ("woman go make me a sandwich!"). There are also plenty of women who married some fug douche and turned outt o have a great happy family.

You bitches aren't fooling me, you may have some kind of intuition, but your pussy itch gets in the way of that plenty, cause you are just as shallow as men are. You know a hot man with a huge dong will win you over, even if he's the biggest asshole on Earth.

If you don't live in the city your ass will get blown (not the good kind)



A couple of tornadoes blew through Collin County (bum fuck nort of Dallas), and killed some bitches.

This shit is crazy, tornadoes killing people, thunder/lightning storms blowin down houses, hurricanes a-comin, Iran with nukes, the military in charge of the CIA, ninjas burning down porn shops, Jesus H! It's the end of the world!

I'm glad I live in the city and wasn't blown away by the tornadoes. My ass saw Twister, I don't need that shit! Natural Disasters + Sammy = Run like a bitch and hope my TiVo doesn't miss anything!

A real Ninja would love porn!

Some douche dressed up like a ninja and set fire to a porn shop. He said he did it in the name of "God," because adult bookstores are apparently bad in his religious beliefs.

Fuck him, he's just mad cause they didn't have Boy Scout Gang Bang or Mangina Thurst 1-4 left in stock.

Real ninjas love the porn. Seriously, I know. A ninja told me that he couldn't get enough. He also liked beer, stabbing you in the face-uh, and throwing stars at old people.

Walrus doin sit-ups

Sony is gonna rape my ass broke!



Sony announced the release date and price of the new Playstation 3. It comes out November 17 in America (which is way late, but you know they want that Christmas cheer of fueding parents who beat each other). The real kicker (right in the balls) is the price.

This bitch is gonna cost $500 for the basic and $600 for the upgraded one. Holy shit! I am gonna be so fucking broke cause you know my ass can't miss out on the PS3.

I wonder how many kiddies are gonna start robbin bitches so they can afford this shit. You know Best Buy is going to have to lock that shit up, with like armed goons who will shit a bitch.

Justice League Video Game

Questionable Sources

The Onion - Voyeur concerned about neighbors' crappy sex life...

WWN - How to annoy your stupid co-workers...

Star - HoHan is a hardworker!

Enquirer - Does anyone still watch ER??

Hear Say - Hurricanes are gonna blow your ass away this summer...

My Bitch of the Day

JJ Abrams

Douche of the Day

Michael Hayden

Marriage over phone to save cheapos money, embarrassment of ugliness

Some Indian (the Sprint customer service kind, not the cheap cigarettes and gambling kind) couple got married over the phone.

They said it was because of Muslim/blah blah tensions and shit. I think it was because this was probably some arranged marriage and the father didn't want the guy to bolt when he saw the bitch's fug ass face.

Bush wants some military dick to run the CIA



I'm not really comfortable with an Air Force general running the CIA. There's just something wrong with putting military assholes in charge of civilian agencies like the CIA or FBI.

That's like putting a federal employee over a state agency. There's just a big conflict of interest.

It is bad enough we have combined everything into Homeland Security (especially with all the corruption and kiddy porn running around in it), but now putting the military in charge of the CIA? I don't think so.

We need JJ Abrams to set them straight and let em know that the military dick head who comes on board to run the show is always more incompetent and usually corrupt, and it is the agents job to take his ass down or prove his idiocy and have em removed. You never side with the pompous "higher up" that assumes control. Why start now?

A Jewish Chinese restaurant? Woman kicked out for not being a fatty fat fat

So some bitch was kicked out of an all-you-can eat buffet for wasting food. She paid her fee, but her kids didn't finish all their food and changed their minds, so they got banned for wasting too much.

What I want to know is how is it different if they took the food and didn't finish it, and some fatty came in and ate everything. Either way the food is goin somewhere, whether it is the trash or the digestive system.

Besides, all you can eat buffets for $5.95 aren't exactly the most stellar cuisines. Maybe they decided they didn't want roasted German Shepherd that night, and decided to go for the Sweet and Sour Tabby Cat.

Either way, people who get pissy about wasting food and say shit like, "there's starving people in 3rd world countries and you are wasting," I always say, "well here, stick this food I have here into a ziploc baggy, and fucking ship it over to Ethiopia if you are that damn concerned."

Kinky ass work place loses lawsuit to prude



Some bitch sued her company for spanking her ass, and won over $1 million. Damn I wish my boss would slap me so I could get that kinda payload!

This bitch was just mad cause they didn't give her a reach around. You know she was all like, "oh yeah, harder, harder, slap my ass!"

But when they spanked Mary Joe in HR more often, and she got a promotion, the ho got jealous and sued.

The company said they weren't being discriminatory since they spanked men and women. Oh yeah like that makes it better that you are beating people's asses at work.

They said they were used as a motivational tool.

What an awful defense. They are just proving how fucked they were. I mean, I have never considered a spanking a motivational tool. It was always a stupid punishment that never worked. Taking the TiVo away is a much more powerful punishment than a spanking. Pain you can handle, discomfort is what is truly terrifying.

Lost creator will hopefully make Star Trek XI appeal to non-nerds

I love JJ Abrams. So he better do a damn good job at making the new Star Trek film likable to people who don't cream in their pants every time Dana Troy would come on the screen. I mean seriously, Star Trek is pretty lame if you have been laid in your life.

The movie centers around Captain Kirk's early years, so who knows if Shatner will make an appearance, but you know there will be some kind of revolt if he doesn't.

I will probably see it just for Abrams, the same way I will see MI:3 as I hate Tom Cruise, but I still respect JJ.

This drunk bitch just wanted some meat!



There are few times you hear about a woman being charged with statutory, as they usually only go after the gays.

But look at this ho. She looks fuckin wasted.

She's all like, "What? 15? Dayyumm I'm goood I banged me a 15 yeagurr oolddd hahaha, shut up pig, don't touch my ass, fuck youugghuu, I'll scream rape! Rape! Help! This copper grabbed my boob! What are you looking at, bitch?" *slaps the ho in the cell*, cat fight ensues...

That's how she rolls.

Thanks Sassy... sorry to dog on your cousin, but it was too good to pass up*