This ho is crazy

Seriously this bitch is unbelievable. I bet she eats a mean beave with that giant mouth.

Cheney faces suicide birding...

A bird struck Air Force 2, and Dick wasn't even informed until after his speaking engagement. The birds are already planning more attacks including a swarm of kawing and screeching by thousands of black birds outside the White House, as well as a few fly by poopings during Rose Garden Press Conferences.

Cheney and his muff lovin daughter also made a stop for one of the grandkids. I like how the article said that Lez Cheney 'secured' the doll, as if it was a fucking terrorist!

T.V. Time

Oh it's that time again! Another week of television has passed, and faithful t.v. consumer, Ry, is here to document the ups and downs.

America's Next Top Model
Rene is nice again for some unknown reason. The models stopped acting like Bitches, and they are starting to get along. Doesn't Tyra know this makes for BORING television? The photo shoot had former contestants on Top Model pose with the current group of girls. I got to see my homegirl, Joanie, whom I love and adore, from Season 5. (White girl can rap and crunk) Otherwise this was another yawn. I'm waiting for the claws girls! Whitney was voted off. No surprise. Did anyone think the fatty was going to make it?

American Idol
Haley was voted off. Her boobs did not outwit Phil. He must have his Navy buddies dickmatized. That or his alien spaceship (he has alien eyes). And for all of you who think Sanjaya was good this week, you're insane. Stop drinking the kool-aid. You are going to get sucked up into Phil's spaceship!

Was it just me or did J.Lo look completely yellow on Tuesday's show? She looked more hep-laden than Pamela Anderson (soon to be Lee again if they keep it up). Even though she may be ailing, she's hotness. She actually sounds better in Spanish. But what the hell was up with Akon on the show? Now it's random musical guest Idol? WTF? Oh and we ALMOST got a glimpse of drunk Paula. That would make my month!

Lost
I don't know even what to say anymore. Edge of my seat every episode. Even though this episode was full of uncomfortable staring. Apparently that is the new weapon of choice on the island, Juliet's blank stare (she's really eating your brain). I enjoyed Sawyer's reaction to Juliet coming there, and even more so how tightly he hugged Kate. Those two are meant for some more horizontal tango.

Claire gets mysteriously ill and coughs up blood. Magically, Juliet has the antidote in the jungle! Sawyer and Sayid follow her as they know she's badness (which they are usually right, see Henry Gale). She talks them down by rehashing their sins. Sawyer, come on! You can handle her manipulations, don't get mesmerized by her blank stare! And we find out in the end, after an entire episode of the producers trying to get us to like Juliet that she's really infiltrated their camp to do something shady. Of course, what else would you expect from Shady Island?

Grey's Anatomy and Ugly Betty
Reruns last week and clip shows tonight. LAME x2. They need to take a cue from 24 and Lost, air uninterrupted segments of shows.

Desperate Housewives
I loved it! Gabrielle stole dresses from her rich soon-to-be husband's ex-wife's closet! Then the ex-wife caught her wearing it. They should give Gabrielle her own fabulous hour of fun. I also was impressed with Susan's machinations against Ian's pre-nup by blackmailing Ian's dad (she caught him wearing her underwear and night gown). Lynnette acted like a bitch again. I miss Bree. And Andrew needs to go back to badness that was.

Dresden Files
Finally this shit is getting interesting! The first couple episodes the supposed Wizard didn't do any magic. Now he's pumping it out in droves. It's kind of cheeze-its. Don't eat them too often or you get fat and salty. Watch sparingly.

Shows to Watch Out For
Painkiller Jane starts on Sci-Fi this Friday. It looks hot. It's about a chick who heals really fast, so basically she gets shot a lot and falls out of buildings.

Stargate Atlantis starts Friday on Sci-Fi as well. It's my favorite silly show that I don't usually tell people I watch. Sometimes it makes absolutely no sense. But it's often funny and Joe Francis is kind of naughty (Lt Sheppard).

Katie Couric is a stealing, thieving, lying liar

[her pants are totally on fire]

So Katie Couric got caught red handed being the sneaky plagiarist she is. She did this video essay on Libraries and stuff, but the piece was almost word for word stolen from the Wall Street Journal.

Apparently the producer who "stole" was fired, but never named. Either way she looks bad cause if she did it, not the producer, she is a filthy dirty liar.

If she didn't do it and it was the producer, than she admits that she doesn't write anything on her own, including her own opinions!!

Matt Lauer and his fake hair would be ashamed Katie!

Someone's bank account got heavy...

So North Carolina dropped the charges against the three white Duke athletes for sexually assaulting a black stripper saying that the DA was overzealous and wrong.

Puh-fucking-lease, they did it, and since they were rich white sporties they got away with it. Everyone knows that athletes get away with rape. It is written in the constitution. Unless they are black and its a white girl, then there will at least be a trial.

That and you know the state just got a HEFTY contribution from some parents and Duke University.

I for one think they were pretty stupid in the first place. Why would you rape a stripper when all ya gotta do is throw in an extra $20? Not like they couldn't afford it!

Ry Edit: Why would richy Duke boys want to play with a nasty stripper? I think not! She may have had crabs crawling out her vajayjay. You know how those woman folk don't like to be snubbed.

Player Haters Have Their Day In Court

Some douche sued an online site (DontDateHimGirl.com) for "untrue" comments about him cheating, having the clap, being a big ol mo, and not paying child support (some sound a bit contradictory...) but the judge told him that he had no jurisdiction.

Dude this site is awesome shit. Its just a bunch of bitches on the rag crabbing about their ex boyfriends. The lady who started the site is looking at other sites she can start, including a spanish language one titled "OhNoYouDidn.com", a gay one called "HeHadATinyPenis.net", and one for women travelling abroad "DontTrustHisFrenchAccentItsFake.org".

I just wanted to look fabulous on my wedding day!

Some person stole a ton of wedding gowns and headed for Mexico when caught by border patrol. Apparently the dresses were donated to a cancer charity, and the person grabbed em and ran for the border.

This person OBVIOUSLY wanted a vast selection so he/she could look their best on their wedding day. Either that or they were planning on some secret get Americans drunk and make them marry our womens so we can get over the borders since our anchor baby plans are being ruined by the assholes in Texas, ese.

Oh Wal-Mart. You do know how to throw a party don't you? Well not really, apparently you just spy the ass off your employees.

If you've missed this gem of a story, read all about it. Wal-Mart just won a gag order against a former employee who was sharing his wares with the Wall Street Journal. Wal-Mart's security measures, which include surveillance on their employees, vendors and consultants was supposedly part of an even larger conspiracy inside the company. They also named several investor groups as potential problems.

The sad thing is, the hicks that actually buy your shit won't even read this. They'd have to know how to use the internet first. Sigh.

Get Em My Pretties!

South Korea is down with the wolf cloning lately. The best part is the sciencetist involved is wanted for embezllement, fraud and a whole bunch of other hoopla.

Why isn't the US doing this? We're letting other countries clone packs of War Wolves? Why else would they be cloning carnivores? Snuggle time?

Secret South Korea Meeting
Government Official: Those silly Americans! They'll never expect us to clone a Wolf Army!
Other Gov't Official: Mwahaha! We'll catch them off guard, they'll be too distracted my our plant, Sanjaya!
Government Official: Genius! While they watch American Idol, we'll send in our wolves to attack! No one shall be safe!
Other Gov't Official: (Pauses) But then what will we eat for dinner?

Whose Yo Daddy?

Little ANS Jr., Dannielynn will no longer have to stay up at night wondering who spawned her. No, genetic tests have proven Larry Birkhead is the daddy!

Of course, we all knew this was coming. I'm glad the ANS circus is coming to a close... or so I think. Just wait for the midgets. You just know there has to be a midget involved somehow.

Are You Ready For That Ass?

Yes, the ass that can be seen across many a country will be on American Idol tonight. None other than J. Lo will be mentoring those little Idol rascals on how to sing Latin themed music.

This is going to rock my face off!

Not only that but we get the slight chance to see classic Paula (a.k.a. drunk off her ass Paula). Why? Because homegirl is probably jealous as hell of J. Lo's limited yet infinitely better selling music career. I'm even more excited to see Simon's reaction to the Queen of Americanized Latino.

Unfortunately, I'm going to have to endure Sanjaya for another week. Please pray for me, and for you, and your dog's ears. It's a sad sad time in America when we vote for people that bad just for shits and giggles. Don't you people have better things to do, like hang out at the mall or throw candy in the movie theater?

Many bloggers are predicting the demise of American Idol if Sanjaya wins. This is a sad yet fertile truth. If the AssHat known as Sangina wins, I will never tune in to that show again. My faith in humanity will be crumbled, and I may lie in the fetal position and cry for a week.

Do the right thing America! Vote to bring back drunk Paula! Vote for one of the actually talented contestants (Blake, Chris, Malinda, LaKisha, Jordin).

Psychic hotline?

[incoming call... from hell!!]

A British man dreamed up a phone number, text messaged it "Did I meet you last night?" and the girl responded, then suddenly they started talking, then dating, and are now married.

So this guy had some kind of demonic premonition or something? Lucky for the girl the dude wasn't some kind of freako rapist. You know guys are gonna start randomly text messaging bitches till they get someone to bite.

Just wait, "Man dreams up phone number of girl, banged her, gets her impregnated, and dumped her a week later" will be the headlines next week!

Worst drag show ever!

Leave it to a firefighter to don the most tragic drag, ever, AND get arrested for drunk driving, public indecency, and drunken disorderly conduct.

He said he was on his way to win $10,000 for an impersonator contest. Honestly, I don't think he could win lookin like that if it was a crack ho contest (he'd get 3rd prize no doubt).

Dude, seriously, ever heard of a onesy? And, by the way, if you eat a few more donuts, you won't need the tan water balloons, just make a pit stop at Victoria's Secret and you can get a push up for your man boobs.

Discovery Channel hates cute babies

[Polar Bears are amazingly awesome]

Planet Earth is the most depressing ass show ever. I mean it is fucking cool and all and looks more like CGI shit from movies (esp. on the giant HD tv on Discovery HD) than real life (which it is, I promise).

My beef with it, though, is the fact that EVERY GOD DAMN EPISODE features:

A baby dying from the weather
A baby getting horribly eaten/murdered by a predator
A baby losing its way and dying
A starving animal dying cause it can't find food


And Sigourney Weaver (tha Murph)'s narration with her somber monotone voice doesn't help matters, either.

Discovery, as cool and fascinating as your show is, I am seriously sick of baby animals biting it when they are so heavenly and cuteness. I would trade a polar bear cub for my neighbor's ugly baby any day, any time!

TV Time

I missed last week because... well... I'm a lazy fucker. But it's back!

America's Next Top Model
BORING. This usual bitchfest ala mode was CryFest 2007. The girls had a challenge to mingle at a party with a bunch of celebrities. And by celebrities I mean Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton and 50 Cent. Otherwise known as any fucking club in Los Angeles. Nicole was up to her fun tricks, playing drama with the girls, going to Jael and telling her Renee hates her ass. This show needs more Nicole. Then Tyra held a chat session with the girls where Renee apologizes for all the mean things she has done. F-that! Be a bitch and own it Renee. Tell those other twats where to shove those tampons! Oh and boring ass Sarah went home. Good.

American Idol
Worst week ever! Well since we had to endure the top 24. It was all Tony Bennett-esque songs. Yawn. I want a hip-hop week! I'd love to see Blake singing Tupac. They mostly did so-so. Blake was strong, so was Chris and of course Malinda Doolittle. Sanjaya was even worst than normal, if that is at all possible. He's heinous, evil, and I would not cry is someone set him on fire. So instead of the evil cur going home, Gina got the axe! Poor Gina. You couldn't stand up to Haley's boobies!

Grey's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, Ugly Betty
All reruns - which is LAME

Lost
The past two weeks have been amazing. This week especially. Kate and Juliet had a couple cat fights. Juliet is a tough bitch, but she couldn't handle the heat when Kate's in the kitchen! My personal favorite scene of the season is Kate beating the shit out of Juliet in the rain, then dislocating her shoulder. Oh and we got a Kate back story about her bitchy mom. Then we got some Sawyer lovin. Yay for Lost. You make me happy. And tingly. Kind of like anti-itch cream in a good way.

Planet Earth
If you haven't been checking this out, you're a LOSE. It's hotness. I love Earth, especially polar bears, elephants and cool underwater creatures. Now I know where Paris got her Vajayjay. It came from the deep! So deep no light penetrates the tentacles! Watch it on Discovery!

(I miss Heroes)

But What About Her Farts?

[she totally just sharted]

The Queen of England has decided to go green. Well kind of, her Royal Estates are being audited for ways to cut down on carbon emissions. She is happening to leave out her private estates.

You can read all the sordid details here.

Is it just me or does it seem like the audit should extend to the Queen's person as well? I mean, we regularly blame cows for damage to the ozone layer because of their methane-laden gas. Look at her! You know she rips some wicked ones. I bet she's a Sharter.

Crack Attack!

Whitney Houston won a hearing versus her ex-husband, Bobby Brown, recently to win custody of her daughter.

Poor girl. I hope she likes crack in her Wheaties...

I can see it now (cue dream sequence)

Whitney: Did you eat yo breakfast?

Whitney Baby Daughter: Uhuhs. I ate frosted flakes with extra sugar!

Whitney: looking around Extra sugar? We don't have any sugar! ... ...wait... where's my crack!

Whitney Baby Daughter: looks innocent with drool coming out of her mouth uhh... daddy stole it!

Are you sexier than a 5th grader??

[Look at that saucy minx give Foxworthy the 'googly eye']

According to CNN, 5 Fifth Graders were arrested for lewd acts such as having sex in an unattended classroom.

The students were arrested Tuesday at the Spearsville school in rural north Louisiana, authorities said. Two 11-year-old girls, a 12-year-old boy and a 13-year old boy were charged with obscenity, a felony. An 11-year-old boy, the alleged lookout, was charged with being an accessory.

Apparently the teacher was busy at an assembly and just left this mess of 5th graders to their own devices. And instead of outsmarting idiot adults on national tv like normal 5th graders, they decided to fornicate.

I love how the one was a lookout. Like "hey, we are gonna fuck these bitches, but you are a stupid ugly face, so you have to watch out for us, or we will take your lunch money and poop on your face!"

The most important question of this whole ordeal? Why the hell was a 13 year old a 5th Grader??? Third time's a charm?

The Glass Closet

Out Magazine released their Powerful Gay List in an upcoming issues. Celebrities like Anderson Cooper, Jodie Foster and... Perez Hilton were all featured. Perez Hilton? WTF? Sure he brow beats a few celebs to come out, but in the top 20? I've lost all respect for Out Magazine. See the article here.

And no, Jakey isn't confirmed homo (yet), but one can imagine his glass closet is built for two.

KYLE XY IS BACK!

Oh joy of joys! My favorite summer time show is coming back to the ABC Family channel. What is this glorious gem of television satisfaction? Why Kyle XY of course.

ABC just released news that 13 all new episodes will start on June 11. Everyone set your Tivos. This shit is such a train wreck, it's awesome! It's so bad it's good. And when I say bad, I mean He-Man cartoon animation bad. But that didn't stop me from buying the first season of He-Man on dvd.

What's even better about this show, is that it is on ABC FAMILY. While all last season we dealt with oral sex, poppin cherries, drug use, masturbation, underage drinking, and the list goes on. I loves it.

Check out more info on the season here. I mean look at the picture! Those actors deserve Emmys!

Sammy's Edit:

Oh yes bitches, this shit is greatness. I don't know of a show on any network (outside of HBO) that has this much raunchy dialogue and subject matter, and its on the fucking FAMILY CHANNEL. Pat Robertson eat your heart out as the network you started airs its second season of this true television gem. Oh and the main guy totally has gay face!

Anchor babies unite!

The Texas leg (le-djuh), short for legislator to all of us hipsters, has introduced HB 28, which states that illegals comin in to Texas and havin their babies will still not get benefits and it challenges whether the children are even citizens, since the 14 Amendment states anyone born on US grounds is a citizen.

The problem is that Mexicans come over the border and have their babies just so they can stay, a loop hole of sorts. Hell majority of the hotels in El Paso and other border towns in Texas consist primarily of "maternity suites."

Don't be coming over here and havin your ugly babies, we got enough actual citizens doing that! We don't need any more cryin ass children running half naked through Wal-Mart screaming shit in spanish at 1 in the morning.

Kermit is Back!

This shit is genius! I especially like the part where Kermit takes a puke. It sounds gross, but it's mesmerizing. Kind of like Lakisha's boobies on American Idol.

Knut is my hero...

So this polar bear cub's momma didn't want him (bitch!) so these animal rights cunts wanted to put him down. Now I am not ok with that shit, cause he is so fucking cute putting him down would be a travesty.

Don't lie to the magical robot!

Norway has just introduced an automatic robotic customs agent that you can claim your cigarettes and wine bottle to, and it will print out a receipt.

So what is going to stop a bitch from lying to this thing? Is it a magical all knowing robot, because it can't really save any time if you have to check out everyone who is a liar.

My guess? The people "randomly" selected by the machine for "advanced screenings" will look like this:

House of Pain

The Air Force just tested its 'pain gun' on an AP reporter. The gun is to be used for crowd control in a non lethal capacity.



This dude looked like he was about to miss the sing along to Sound of Music. Seriously dude, butch it up a little.

I say bring on the pain. We should lace our border with this shit so when people tried to cross they would feel the burning sensation and realize that America brings nothing but pain and gonorrhea!

The Fug Wars

Alanis Morrissette has decided to cover "My Humps" and consistently make fun of Fergie throughout the entire video. This shit is geniusly funny, and kind of hot. Alanis wins cause hearing this terrible song in a slow screeching Alanissy song just shows how assenine it was in the first place.