March 29, 2007

Bush vs. Mencia

George Bush was actually quite funny at the White House Correspondents Dinner. He made fun of himself, Pelosi, Cheney, and Obama.

My personal favorite is when he says his memoirs would be a pop up book. That shit would be fucking amazing, as long as cash popped out of it. And cocaine.

PS. George, don't be jealous of Obama's nice shiny pecs, just cause he's gettin some, doesn't mean he's free game. Just tell Laura to quit fondling Pelosi and to give you head Clinton style, she likes it when you get all macho and aggressive.

Rovey Rove... The whitest man I know...

Since Stephen Colbert will most likely never be invited again, the two douches nobody knows from Who's Line... tried their best at humor (to the effect of Sanjaya trying to sing) by getting Karl Rove to rap at the White House Correspondents Dinner.

This shit is a bit painful, but seeing how white Rove is makes it funny. In that me chinese, me play joke kinda way, not the holy shit that snake just bit him in the balls kinda way.

March 28, 2007

Bye Bye Birdie, See You In Hell...

Bush's peeps have proposed some "changes" the endangered species list, ie: making the endangered species law so inept that many species could be going to never never land via extinction.

Apparently some poor bird swooped by and pooed in Georgie's wheaties, so he is making sure that their entire species is destroyed.

His hunter friends are happy, though. Everyone knows that an animal's dead carcas on your wall is way better when it is the last of its fucking kind!

No wonder there's so much dog shit on the streets...

San Francisco is on the verge of banning plastic bags because it is harmful to the environment.

Well no wonder there is so much dog poo everywhere, they don't have any plastic bags to pick it up (that and all those queens don't want their hands smelling like poo BEFORE sex).

Harry Potter Cover Revealed!

Okay, I have to calm down. I nearly wet myself. For those of you who LOVE you some Harry Potter - click here to see the new cover.

It doesn't really give away any elements of the story, but who cares! It's a slow news day.

BTW, rocks my face off.

Sanjaya is My Nemesis

Sanjaya better go home tonight, or I may just explode. Spontaneous combustion all over my lovely apartment.

To add insult to injury, the news talk about his "online support" - like it's a good thing. I think they're missing the key factor in all of this - "votefortheWORST".

I'm reminded of a little movie called American Dreamz. The terrorist rig it so he can make it to the final round and set off a bomb with the President. If we hear any news of Bushy going on the show, I'll know my nightmare is coming true!

Oh and Homegirl is gayer than a Liza marathon.

Guns, Guns and More Guns!

Rick Perry has done it again. The Governor of Texas, in a pissing contest to be the next real Terminator has decided Texans needs more rights to shoot people in the head. Here is the scoop on a new law that will grant Texans immmunity if they shoot someone even trying to think about murder.

I can see it now. All the rich oil wives will have a heapful of dead husbands. "I saw the murder in his eyes!" or "That bastard, my husband, tried to have sex with me!"

Battling the Update

I have been fighting a severe case of the Lazies lately. As in, my lazy ass doesn't like to get out of bed. But fear not loyal newslineders, you'll get your cup of hatorade today!

But in the meantime, feast your eyes on this lovely and hilarious commercial. It makes the birds sing and my tummy ache with laughter.

March 23, 2007

The Week in Review (TV)

American Idol

Most of them had a good night. Stephanie put me to sleep (which is partially why her ass got voted off), but really Sanjaya deserved to get his ass kicked to the curb. My hate for Sanjaya grows every day. I know that little girl was crying a river because his freaky ass hair scared her, not to mention his over-abundance of the disease known as Gay Face.

I was also shocked that Chris R was in the bottom 2. America is smoking crack. And not the good kind, the cheap kind mixed with wheat flour and clorox.

America's Next Top Model

Oh how I love bitches getting their picture taken while trying to sabotage each other! Instead of having the wonderfulness known as Jade as Bitch of the House, we have Rene, who is my official BoH this year.

I hated to see Felicia go home, because well, she's kind of hot. You could tell there wasn't much going on in her head, but she is easier on the eyes than some cough Jael cough. Or those fat broads. Plus size model! HA. Since when did we make it ok to be fat?


That was some hot shit! And this time I don't just mean Jack! The scene where Kate and Jack spoke in the pool hall and he said "And I will come back for you" sent shivers down my spine. Oh and Locke blew up the submarine. Why though? He wants all of those bitches stuck eating that Dharma food. He must be a fan of constipation. The twist ending was no surprise at all. Ben has Locke's dad! (For those of you who haven't guessed it, Locke's dad is the infamous Sawyer that Sawyer gets his name from).

I call it shady island, cause they are all so shady, I wouldn't lend them a ball point pen. Bitches would steal it!

Ugly Betty

Genius! Always, always genius. But they ended this episode a little too quickly. I still want to see some Betty/Accountant Boytoy lovin. I'm glad they focused this episode a little more on Mark. It was nice to see a gay character get some development that didn't center around backstabbing and butt slapping.

Grey's Anatomy

George remembers he slept with Izzie after having some temp memory loss. Oh and Callie's dad comes to town, all rich and snooty. George tells Izzie not to say anything to Callie ever, and now Izzie is all in love with George! Plus, Dr. McDreamy is scared Meredith is going to off herself again (as she gave up when she drowned). Fuck that. I guess he doesn't know the title of the show is Grey's Anatomy. Without Meredith, this is no show. Also, Dr. McSteamy is steaming ahead to get the Chief position. Scandal and intrigue oh my! Otherwise, not much happened.

Next week, I'll have all the above plus Smallville, How I Met Your Mother and Dresden Files.

March 20, 2007

First class ticket to hell

So this woman up and dies on a flight so she gets upgraded to First Class. What a cheap bitch, can't buy her 3,000$ ticket fair and square? She gets the freebie just cause she died? Well I can fake dead, does that count?

Anyways, they put her body next to some dude who was sleeping. You know if I paid that much money for a plane ticket, I sure as hell would not want to wake up next to a dead fucking body!!!

Keanu 1, Papparazzi 0

Keanu has started a war! Oscar-w..., Emmy..., I mean Rasberry winning actor, Keanu Reeves hit a papparazzi with his car. Check it out!

I love how the PR spin machine is calling it a "graze". This supposed graze knocked the papparazzi down and sent him to the hospital. You know Keanu was rearing for the bitch! Eat Porsche douche bag! No wait, that's what I'd say. Keanu just said "Dude!"

Oh and I decided we needed to be reminded of a better time, when Keanu was still hot.

Do Jews like Titties?

Hooters is headed for Israel! Here is the scoop.

The new Hooters will be in Tel Aviv, a city long known for its partying and free style sexing. (Just read the new Details article if you don't believe me!) Oh and it won't be kosher. I can just see all those middle-aged Israel citizens choking down those non-kosher chicken wings and washing it down with some guilt-ridden beer.

They Found Another One!

Future sodomite, errr... I mean Boy Scout, Michael Auberry, was found in the woods near his campsite. Read all about it here.

The young chap decided to stay back at camp to "sleep in". Me thinks he needed to get his rocks off in private and got lost. The article goes on to speculate how the boy survived with his crazy wiles and ingenuity. Shit. The boy had a mess kit and a thing of pringles. Which he then littered all over the woods! I'm surprised Smokey the Bear didn't eat his ass.

March 19, 2007

Bong hits 4 Jesus!

A student was suspended for displaying a banner that read, "Bong Hits 4 Jesus", and now the Supreme Court is hearing the case. You can read all about it here.

The court is having a hard time deciding whether they want to let students keep their rights, or whether censoring free speech should be allowed.

The thing is, the politics of the administration will rule out if these kids' rights of free speech are to be enforced by them, so I say let free speech rule! The constitution never says, "Free speech in certain places," it says Freedom of Speech. The Supreme Court's job is to interpret the Constitution, that is it.

If school principals are allowed to censor what students are saying, the absolute power could get pretty ugly. One can only hope that bong hits 4 Jesus paves the way for more free speech in the schools, and doesn't backfire in the kid's face.

March 16, 2007

Showtime Raids the Panty Drawer

Showtime is snapping up all the talent left in Hollywood. And by talent, I mean actors who haven't had significant work since the 1990s.

They have David Duchovony lined up to star in a new series about a novelist who battles problems with addiction. You can read about the stellar cast here.

On the brighter side, Showtime has also snagged Steven Spielberg's idea for a comedy about a mother with multiple personalities. On top of this, Spielberg is heading up the new reality show for Fox, On the Lot about wanna-be filmmakers duking it out.

He got tired of counting his money, so he's decided to take over t.v.!

I kid, I kid. If either are anything at all like Weeds, my ass will be glued to the couch watching the telly. I may even speak in a British accent the whole time!

Speaking of Inner Gay

Richard Hatch says prison was horrible you can read about it here.

Survivor winner Richard hatch just got out of prison and wants everyone to know that it sucks the big one.

What's wrong Hatchy? All the other inmates see Another Gay Movie? And Prisoners are big ol size queens, so they probably wouldn't give you any!

My Favorite Bitch Knows How to Blow

For those of you who have killed the inner child within yourselves by working as a cubicle monkey for the man, need to check this out.

It might even bring out your inner gay. And bitch can blow rainbows out of balls! Now that is skill.

Newslined is Coming Back

That's right Bitches. Newslined is making a come back. A new design, new material and new douches to make fun of.

Hold on to your asses, cause Newslined is taking you for a ride!

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