June 30, 2006

Transformers movie trailer!

There are all these hot movie trailers out this week. I am getting all kindsa giddy!

Zaqarwiwhatever the fuck can burn with all your other crazies!

Osama bin Laden has "supposedly" released a tape recording calling for Al-Zaqarwi's body to be returned for the funeral and how he was great and how they are gonna kill more Americans blah fucking blah.

Story also states Bin Laden and al-Zawahri (some other douche) are believed to be hiding in the rugged border zone of Pakistan and Afghanistan.

That means we should go into the "rugged border zone" and just firebomb the fuck out of it. I'm talking T2: Judgement Day style, shit I'll fucking launch em.

Honestly I am more afraid of being shot or shanked by some Katrina victim/transplant/crazy asshole than some crusty old man on dialysis.

June 29, 2006

Disneyworld is gonna get on the Most Wanted List...

Disneyworld trip checklist:
  • All inclusive hotel room
  • Park passes to all parks
  • sunscreen
  • Mickey Mouse hat
  • horrible fiery death

A little boy has died after riding the Aerosmith Rockin' Rollercoaster at Disneworld's MGM Studios Park.

This is like the 5th person this year that has died on a Disney ride. It's like some kind of whacked ass horror amusement park with all these bitches dyin and shit.

I fucking love Disneyworld, but my ass doesn't wanna die from some ride. I would much rather go out drunk and fuckin or something.

People beware! If you are gonna go to Disney, just chill out on Paradise Island, you never hear about people dying there. They just get drunk and have fun and every night is "New Years" so you can make out with random people ever night. Just be sure to stay away from the herp.

Crazy bitch auctions her Ferrari, her pussy!

Some bitch who has tons of scrilla decided to auction off her $1.6 car as well as herself.

Apparently she is tired of mens using her for money, so she figured if they could afford to buy her car, they wouldn't care how much she makes, and she would thusly open her snatch for his man meat.

Bitch, why don't you just go vacation at rich places and meet men that way, rather than tryin to sell your old coochie. I wouldn't want nones of that, unless bitch paid me!

Canadians think of everything Mr. broken Smiley man...

A Canadian genius has created a machine that can regrow teeth and bones. It is still in the prototype level, but this machine uses sonic airwaves and shit to make your smile grow back to normal.

You know they can use this shit in Fort Worth, I seriously don't think there are even dentists in that town.

All those Joe Bobs and Billy Joe's can now grow back their rotted teeth (which they lost from playing games like couch cars and drinkin Moonshine), and be productive normal lookin citizens (the sheep fucking, though, we still have to work on).

The most dangerous President ever...

Earlier I reported that the Supreme Court ruled Bush's little "trials" in Guantanamo were illegal and unconstituional, so Bush announced today that he is seeking help from Congress to change that.

I fucking love how this douche bag finds out something is illegal or unconstitutional, so he says, "Fine, let's make it legal and consititutional!" That's so fucked I don't have any words other than fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuck!!! I can't believe this shit. Someone get me an imp and a peach... PLEASE!

Soccer fans are fucking nuts!

Soccer fans will do the craziest shit to not miss the game, like this one dude who's house was burning down, so he grabbed the television and frantically searched for an electrical socket to plug it in.

Another bitch locked his wife in her room cause she was pissed he was keeping her up in the middle of the night (the time changes fuck it up for everyone).

Another dude quit his job so he could watch all the games, even turning down a pay raise.

This shit is fucking ridiculous, when the sport is so dignified and actually quite pussy compared to hockey and football, yet these fans do the craziest ass shit.

I for one think they need to seriously look at their lives and realize what big loses they are, and getting laid, that would be something good for them as well.

Judge was pumpin his salami during trials...

This Oklahoma judge is on trial for pumping his wanker with a penis pump during court sessions. Apparently he just kept it under his bench for shits and giggles (and spankin his wanker while hot bitches give testimony).

The jury keeps bursting out into laughter every time the lawyers grab the pump and make the "sh-sh" sound that reverberated from the judge's bench during trials.

I sooo wanna be on that jury. You know those cops and lawyers are fucking laughing their asses off at this pervy mcpervster who was pumpin his junk while murder victims' families are crying and shit.

That is some fucked up shit. Damn Oklahoma is full of whackos, but hey you can't fault the man for havin a little peen, he should've just made sure his uppity court reporter wouldn't tattle on him. She was just mad cause he wasn't sharing the pump or his peen with him/her.

Frat boys celebrate, doctors find way to remove light bulb from anus...

Pakistani doctors found a way to successfully remove a light bulb shoved up some inmate's bum. Apparently, he "didn't know how it got there," but I am calling foul.

You know this dude got off on sticking things in there, he is in prison after all, maybe he thought it would light up and gang rapers would be scared of the magical glowing asshole.

Either way, frat boys and Johnny Knoxville will be happy to know that there is hope for getting those pesky things out without causing major damage.

Supreme Court isn't down with that shit...

The Supreme Court ruled that Bush was overstepping his bounds with illegal trials on inmates of Guantanamo.

They basically told him, "bitch, you can't be doin this illegal shit in the name of 'terrorism,' so quit it,"

Bush has yet to release a statement, but I am sure it will be more "wah wah boo hoo, I need this power or I feel like my weenie is too small," kinda speeches.

It is about time people called him on his shit. Quit doing illegal stuff, and the popo's won't be comin to yo do! (Especially cause now they don't gotta knock!)

June 28, 2006

Girls are so fucking smart it hurts...

At an esteemed school, a boy asks girls if they want to end women's suffrage (the right to vote). Look at what the "smart" women of America decide.

GW is a jedi!

GW is a jedi knight comin to steal your tacos! FIXED

Superman Returns...

Superman Returns. Ok first of all after all my bitching, I fucking loved it.

I read a review somewhere that said when the guy left the original Superman film, he looked up at the sky, and wanted to fly. He said this film also did that for him. I would have to agree, as I left the theater and looked up at the sky, and just wanted to fly up in the air.

The film sets the stage as Superman has been away for 5 years visiting remains of his planet Krypton, only to find nothing and returning home. His love, Lois (Kate Bosworth), has done gotten herself a son and a fiancee (James Marsters).

One thing that's kind of interesting is that no one noticed Clark Kent was missing the same amount of time Superman was. Another was that fucking Lois was in the movie way too much. This is Superman Returns, not The Lois Lane movie.

Lex Luthor (Kevin Spacey) was completely and utterly evil, which was nice to see. He is the embodiment of evil, but in his twisted way, he thinks he is doing something good for man kind.

Another big gripe is that the story was a bit bland, and there wasn't enough action, but I did get to see Superman being Superman. Catching a plane in the middle of a baseball game, then the crowd cheering, that gave me chills.

All in all, Brian Singer may have tried too hard to recreate the originals, but in the end, Brandon Routh came out swinging. His portrayal of the lonely Kryptonian trying to latch onto some bit of humanity, while feeling isolated among the world's people as the only of his kind was heartwarming, and breaking. He caught the goofy quirks of Clark Kent ("Richard likes horror movies..." ::Clark makes a scary face:: - priceless), as well as the heart and soul of Superman (and with a resume consisting of One Life To Live, he is one damn fine undiscovered actor).

As many problems I had with the movie, I absolutely fucking loved it. It wasn't some action adventure I would want, but moreso a heartfelt movie that really made you feel for the man of steel.

Go see it immediately.

June 27, 2006

Snakes on a Plane trailer!

There are mother fuckin' snakes, on this mother fuckin' plane! Seriously the hottest movie out this year.

Spiderman 3 trailer!

I am seeing this movie eleventy billion times!

The gays get it from their genes...

Homosexuality is a physical trait, not psychological according to a new study that says that men with older brothers tend to be gayer than those without.

All these right wingers say it isn't physical because they want to send em to those "non gay" camps so they can continue to spout their hate and get more money from ignorant people by using the gay scapegoat, while everyone knows that those "camps" are just glorified bath houses filled with man on man sex and hooking up ie: But I'm A Cheerleader and Saved.

All these Christian Coalition and "family" groups don't want to admit that they too have a burning in their loins for tight jeans and Donna Summer, and are just in denial by blaming it on their overbearing mothers.

Quit fucking blaming it on everyone and just accept the fact that you love a morning dose of man meat and just move to the place where property values soar and rainbow flags glisten in the misty springs of mo-dom.

New strain of weed gets ya high!

There's a new strain of marijuana and the UN is not happy about it. Some douche is calling for countries to take a harsher approach at the weed cause it is "more dangerous" than people think.

Some study claimed a "significant" number of cannabis users experienced panic attacks, paranoia and "psychotic symptoms" during cannabis intoxication.

I think by panic attacks and "psychotic symptoms" they meant "laughed too much at Spongebob" and "ate 2 whole bags of cheetos."

Pot heads beware, this new strain will make you want to eat 5 bean and cheese tacos, instead of your normal 3... and then you'll be lazy AND a fatty fat fat!

Bush mad that he got caught breaking the law...

These fucking Republicans don't know when to quit. Bush pitched a big fit saying it wasn't fair that his "spy on your money" program was shut down thanks to the New York Times exposing the obvious offenses on the law.

I think that he doesn't understand he can't just do what he wants, and call it "anti-terrorism." I don't want my financial records being illegally investigated by the government, and neither should you. That huge ass bill to the "Adult Video Megaplex" is not terrorism, but know the government, they would try to moralize it by saying I was a moral terrorist or some shit.

Someone give him a pacifier and tell him to shut the fuck up.

Kyle XY makes quite a splash on ABC Family...

Kyle XY is a new show on ABC Family about a boy who has woken up and has no memory of ever living, no belly button, and some kind of genius IQ. He is going through "emotions" and human shit like urinating (which he does on himself) and eating for the first time. So of course some random ass family takes him in so they can learn from each other, while mysterious rednecks stalk his ass, and weird shit happens all around. Who is Kyle XY?

ABC Family? More like ABC Trash. With an opening scene of some nude guy wandering in the woods, then stumbling on two teenagers bumpin and grindin, it shows what kind of stellar programming will be in store for the next hour.

Such mishaps included the teenage slut daughter (FUG!) being called down by her mother for breakfast, so she has to kick out her apparent "boy of the day/week" after their wild night of rampant sex acts. She later mentions a girl with "the clap," and walks around naked, then gets pissed cause the "new boy" has seen her "boobs." (Don't fucking walk around naked then, you dumb ho!)

We were also delighted with the 13 year old douche bag son gearing up for some me time, also known as masturbation, with Playpen magazine. Later scenes also included a party where underage kids consumed too much alcohol, and Kyle XY beat up a police officer. Wow. Great values to be teaching our families!

We learned how to speak to our "elders," by saying things like "Yo, I need some juice! Juice me!" (in a ghetto ass voice). I'm surprised he didn't pull out his 9 and cap the bitch!

He also has a big thing for the girl next door who is an "amazing piano player," (bitch was just playing the wedding march, not fucking Mozart), so we can't wait to see him encounter boners and sexual frustration (you know it'll happen on this trash family channel).

All in all I thought this trash was fucking hot. If you can get past the awful acting and the fucking annoying voice over, it is actually quite a fun show. With Snakes on A Plane ("there's mother fuckin snakes on a mother fuckin plane!) and Kyle XY, my guilty pleasure of cheesy ass shit that is so bad, its good, will be fulfilled for years to come.

Kyle XY, ABC Trash Family, Monday 8/7 c, with re-air on Friday, 9/8c on ABC.

June 26, 2006

It's called freedom of the press... stupid!

Some Republican ass from New York is calling for the prosecution of the New York Times for publishing the story about the government spying on banking under a "anti-terrorism" effort.

Bitch is just pissed cause he's over the Homeland Security Comittee and it makes his ass look bad, even Arlen Spectre, Mr. Republican, said that the media is an "effective watch dog," meaning he probably leaked that shit to them.

If you don't wanna get in trouble or piss people off cause of the shit you do, don't fucking do it. It's like banging your wife's sister, then getting tattled on by the neighbor and getting mad at them. You shouldn't have banged her ass anyways!

Of course no one likes a tattler. So I can see why HE would be angry, but fuck him. He better be careful, or they will start publishing pictures of him diddling little boys or cracked out trannies.

Don't piss off the New York Times or they will come after your ass, and their reporters are sneaky bitches! They'll hide cameras in a motel room and seduce you... then while your passed out... take even worse pictures... then publish em on the front page. Beware...

Bush's new Supreme Court justice shows his true color... red!

The US Supreme Court overruled the Kansas Supreme Court by saying that the death penalty was not unconstitutional, thanks to the tie breaker by the new judge, Samuel Alito.

This bitch just got in and he's already causing trouble. It is pretty fucking barbaric that we say do not kill other people, since our own government does. The death penalty is an easy way out, I want those bitches serving life sentences of evening gang rapes and lunchtime shankings!

June 23, 2006

Someone shit on the coats...

This is some more funny ass Dane Cook. These are recordings from his CD, but there's not much fucking news today, so laugh your ass off at this great comic.. or die, take your pick.

(The second one some douche made illustrations to go with it. funny ass shit.)

Dane Cook is the greatest man alive, no joke...

This is Dane Cook from Insomniac or some shit. My favorite part is where he's talking about the hidden bathroom, and the, "there's no haha here..." hahahaha. Loves it.

He's fucking genius. Everyone watch this hot shit.

Pap is lucky Maddox didn't whoop his ass!

Some paparazzi bitch was arrested after sneaking up on Maddox's day care trying to take pictures. The dude was put in jail for trespassing, but got out on $1,000 bail.

He is lucky Maddox didn't whoop his ass, but I am sure he didn't mind the attention, as he knows he is the only one that needs to be photographed and published.

Rock stars don't fuck around though. They only want pictures they approve, ass this pap guy could have caught him in a bad light.

He sure is lucky. I wouldn't want no lion army coming after my ass, cause you know he formed one while in Namibia. He is that cool.

Chicago will have your ass whacked...

Seven men conspired to blow up an FBI building in Miami and the Sears Tower in Chicago were caught and are being indicted. Now that there is no more WTC, the Sears Tower is one of the remaining "tallest" buildings left in America.

These bitches soooo got busted trying to be all Al-Qaida and shit. They were caught in the warehouse where they held their secret meetings of douchery and bragging of how bad ass they are for wanting to kill innocent people.

If America is "the devil," then why don't you bitches just stay in your rat hole countries and stop tryin to bomb us? Maybe then, we will stop bombing your teepees and chicken shacks!

June 22, 2006

Monsters really do hide under your bed...

Some bitch had this stalker who made a copy of her keys while he was working as a valet, then he snuck into her apartment and placed a video camera. When he heard her come in, he hid under the bed... and stayed there for two fucking days til her boyfriend found him!

What I want to know is how he could stay under a bed for two days. Did he piss himself? You know his skanky scary ass was beatin off under there, I am sure he was real ripe when they hauled him in. Maybe her boyfriend smelled the mixture of crazy hobo and rape.

The dude also had like a rape kit under the bed with him including an electrical wire, gloves, and condoms. At least he was a safe rapist, don't wanna be catchin no diseases from the bitch you're holdin down!

Jesus christ, this is why you stop being a lazy ass, and park your own fucking car!

[Thanks d.c.]

The US Military's pants are on fire...

So this woman's son died two years ago, and the military just now told her how he died. He was killed by Iraqis we were training, but the military held off until Sen. Boxer from California raised a stink into why the families had not been informed of what exactly happened.

After her son died, Nadia McCaffrey decided to get all anti-war and wanted to inform people of the shady misdealings of the military. Back in May, almost 2 years since her son had died, she contacted Boxer and pleaded with her to help out.

If this had been a Republican senator, they totally would have given her ass the run around. You know they didn't want people knowing that the Iraqi soldiers we are training are turning on our troops.

The military swore that it was a contained incident and blah blah blah, but the father was all like, "oh hells no! Your boss [the president] doesn't want nobody knowin that we are training the enemy and shit..."

I smell a cover up! And it isn't one of those yummy strawberry muffin smelling scandalous cover ups, this smells more like an afternoon on Bourbon Street in the middle of July. And that's just naasty!

Employers running out of ways to fuck the little guy?

Companies are getting into deep shit for retaliating against employees who expose issues going on in the work place.

This bitch complained about her boss sexually harrassing her, so they put him in sensitivity training and all that jazz, but then they suspended HER for 37 days without pay, then transferred her to a more physically demanding position.

They were all sniggerin over scotch goin, "take that bitch, see how you like shovellin poo!"

Bitch just couldn't handle the harder work cause she was a woman, and as everyone knows, men are superior... burrrrnnnn.

The courts ruled in her favor, giving her $47,000 in back pay and setting a precedent for future law suits on retaliation claims.

Employers better watch out, or they are going to have to start treating employees with a tiny bit of dignity and deserved respect...

...naahhh fuck them, we wanna be rich, bitch!

Get your feak on bitches, condoms help prevent HPV!

A new study shows that condoms are 70% more likely to prevent HPV, a sexually transmitted disease that causes cervical cancer.

Abstinence proponents always claimed that condoms did not prevent it, thus girls should keep their legs together until married.

My big thing is that all these abstinence people are doing by being against all kinds of birth control, are causing more fuckin ghetto and white trash babies to be born. Quit telling girls to stop having sex and say,

"Look bitch, you need to stop bein a slut, but if not, here ya go so we don't have to see your ugly premi baby cause you are only 12.5 years old, you shouldn't be poppin out no babies for at least 12 more years!"

So yeah, buy some condoms (you can get STDs from the butt too, so be sure to wrap it up... no glove, no love!)

Asking questions doesn't warrant panty ruffling!

So don't get me wrong, the Voting Rights Act is a good thing, but a couple of Republicans have some issues with it that they wanted to be heard, and everyone is have a field day calling discrimination and other such bull plop.

Look, the Democrats are using it to say "the Republicans are racist," and the Republicans are saying, "they need to shut up and vote, we don't need bad press..."

But honestly, I don't have an issue with the questions they raised.

The Act was to be renewed, but a couple of Republicans decided to review issues with things like mandatory bilingual ballots and having interpreters there to help the people vote. This is America, if you are a citizen and are excercizing your right to vote, you better be able to read fucking English.

The law will be up for renewal sometime soon once the questions are answered.

Vote for Janie!

Big Brother 7: All Stars is finally almost here (starts July 6, but we get to vote now til June 28)! But this time we get to vote for 6 out of the 12 contestants (they made sure the producers could keep trouble makers in if we didn't want those nasty ass bitches around).

You better go fucking vote for Janelle, Kaysar, Dr. Will, and whoever else you want.

Mine are:
Insert Hot Bitch

Dr. Will
Chicken George

My favorite part of last night's casting call was when Ivette (part of nerd herd from Season 6) was all like, "I dropped those bitches, I know I was crazy! Please vote for me cause I turned my back on the nerd herd!" Bitch you shoulda thought of that before you were all cuntalingusy on Janie. She'll fuckin cut you lesbo!

I wish I knew how to quit you AOL!

America Online makes it impossible to quit their asses. They are like that bitchy ex that's all like, "Oh hells nah! You ain't leavin my ass, I'm stayin right here and assin up your couch and gettin fat while you work to pay for my pedicures and shit. Bitch I gots nasty feet so get to work!"

This dude (Vincent Ferrari) tried to quit AOL and recorded the conversation with the operator who is all like, "Please don't go, I can make things better, I promise... I'll try harder... I'll take it in the rear for you tonight..."

He was on the phone for 5 minutes, but this is a snippet. Apparently AOL said they "fired" the dude, but I highly doubt that. They probably promoted his ass for bein so convincing.

Here's also an interview with the dude with Matt Lauer.

June 21, 2006

The Chicago Tribune says...

The Chicago Tribune is the best place to read reviews for films. The commentary is totally bitchy and sarcastic. Which is also good cause if they don't completely bash a movie, then it must be good!

Bu anyways here is a funny quip:

8/18: Snakes on a Plane

Mission: To succeed as a film so inherently stupid that people will see it just to find out how ridiculous it is.

Outlook: Whatever cracks you up more--the buzz generated behind a movie expected to be just plain silly, the bloggers coming up with imaginary sequels like "Sharks on a Roller Coaster" and "Camels on a Submarine" or the fact that "Snakes on a Plane" is an unintentional acronym for SOAP--this might just be the most anticipated movie of the summer. Can't wait.

Dallas Mavericks sucked their way to a losing Championship series

(professional douche)

The Dallas Mavs lost the Championship last night. It was pretty shitty that they rocked it the first two games, then just fell completely apart. The Spurs would have done better than this bull plop! But at least Mark Cuban can eat a little crow for all the shit he talks. Fucking douche bag.

June 20, 2006

Hurricanes win the Stanley, take that Canuckleheads!

The Carolina Hurricanes won the Stanley Cup last night. I was really rooting for them cause they are a pretty awesome team, and I am not a big fan of the Oilers. Damn Canadians.

Dan Rather finally callin' it quits...

After 44 years on CBS News, Dan Rather is leaving. His contract was up in November, but instead of renegotiating, he's decided to hit the road. Now he's thinking about goin to work for Mark Cuban (Dallas Mavericks owner, and professional douche) on HDNet, or he'll realize that his ass is 70 something and he should retire before he gets even more wrinkly.

Trust, I love Rather, and CBS News has had the best journalists ever (Edward R. Murrow, Walter Cronkite, and Dan Rather), but sometimes you just gotta know when to call it quits.

*Raise beer*. Here's to you Dan.

Ps. His daughter is a bitch. Mega mega bitch. Like she looks like a witch and thinks she knows everything. She should get laid (but I think she's a dyke so then she'll still have a chip on her shoulder cause she ain't gettin no dick, or deep penetration.)

And thy will be done; Steve Jobs likes to get his way...

Steve Jobs is pressuring film companies wanting to sell their movies on iTunes to only charge $9.99 or nothin. Apparently this is a big hassle for the big media companies tryin to fuck over the little man by raising the price of songs from $0.99, but Jobs won't stand for it.

He knows that charging less (I'd rather pay free) is the key to his success, so he won't budge. You know his ass gets what he wants too, bitch had to deal with Bill Gates's nerdy whiney ass back in the day, and he got the shit end of the stick (and boy did it smell), until he came back in a blaze of glory with the iPod and iTunes and running Pixar.

Apparently he's a big asshole too.

For those who cross Jobs, it's not a pleasant experience. He often has reduced people to tears with verbal abuse, says the former worker. "But he's not doing it for fun. He's doing it because he wants things better. He cares intensely and 95% of his comments are right."

Yeah, he'll cut a bitch with that nasty ass beard he was sporting; it's razor sharp (cause you know nerds have the best hiding places for fuck you ups).

June 19, 2006

Lewis is sooo gonna claw someone...

[EDIT] A judge ordered that Lewis could live, but he has to stay at home. Poor kitty is gonna get claustrophobic and start clawin bitches. His owner also gets to be on probation for 2 years then have her record expunged. Lewis wins again.

Some crazy hippy animal organization has offered Lewis a home at their refuge. Apparently his owner doesn't want to give his ass up (since he's her meal ticket outta that dump) so they are battling it out in court.

The neighbor of the refuge had some charming and insightful comments on the matter:

"I live with a cat just like Lewis, and I live with danger every time I go home at night," he said, adding, "I'm from South Jersey, so I don't take any crap from a cat."

What a douche. I am pretty sure Lewis would tear his ass up with that big claw. Don't be hatin or he will cut your ass.

[Thanks Mortie & Jenner]

Nestle has secret evil plan to make back $600 million...

Nestle has paid $600 million to buy Jenny Craig. They also own tons of shit like PowerBar and Lean Cuisine.

You know their asses are just plotting to get a buncha people fat and then convince them to lose weight slowly through crappy ass Jenny Craig and Lean Cuisine, just so they can make even more money.

That fuckin Rabbit is out to get you bitches. Don't be fooled by the chocalatey goodness, it will turn you into a fatty fat fat, forced into shelling out tons of money on nasty ass bland cardboard food just to slim down and fit into those jeans you so miss wearing!

Houston we have a big ass problem...

NASA is in need of a big ol bitch smack after all the shit they've been pulling. Engineers and specialists in NASA have demanded that the launch on July 1 be postponed til they can rework some key parts that have caused other shuttles to end in disasterous ways. NASA's chairman has decided to go ahead with the launch, even with the pleas to wait a little while.

Are they fucking crazy? We don't need any more damn space ships blowin up in the sky and causing debris to rain all over Texas, cause you know that's where that shit is gonna hit.

You're walkin around one day and suddenly a fuckin tube of toothpaste beef stew nails you in the face and boom you're out cold or dead. Not to mention the eternal hell fire exploding in the sky.

Plus, if this shit crashes or blows up, the space program will be shut down, meaning I can't whisk away to outer space and visit all the alien bitches. Fuck that shit. NASA hold your panties together a little while, so we don't lose our hope of having a wonderful magical colony on the moon or some shit.

June 16, 2006

The po-pos don't have to knock no mo...

The Supreme Court ruled that if the police have a warrant, they don't have to knock anymore, they can just bust in your place and fuck some shit up.

This is obviously due to the fact that when the police knock and say, "this is the po-lice, open up!" You're ass either

A. Runs out the back
B. Hides in the room and hopes that theys dont find yous
C. Flushes tha drugs

Here's an excerpt from the crypt keeper (Scalia):

_"What the knock-and-announce rule has never protected, however, is one's interest in preventing the government from seeing or taking drugs evidence described in a warrant."

_"The cost of entering this lottery would be small, but the jackpot enormous: suppression of all drugs evidence, amounting in many cases to a get-out-of-jail-free card."

_"As we have observed ... the amount of time (police) must wait is necessarily uncertain. If the consequences of running afoul of the rule were so massive, officers would be inclined to wait longer than the law requires _ producing preventable violence against officers in some cases, and the flushing destruction of drugs evidence in many others."

Shiiitt bitches. I've seen The Shield, you know their asses are all gonna bust up in there and be all like, "Freeze dirtbag, or I'll shoot you're ass AND take the stash evidence!"

[Thanks Shalala Glitter Ball & Little Hobo Cooper]

Warning: Don't drive around with your dead wife's head...

This dude was just drivin around with his decapitated wife's head in his car, when he fucking crashed right into another car and killed the woman and her child. Then the head flew out of the car and like rolled on the road and shit.

Well no shit he crashed, he was obviously one crazy mother fucker for just cruisin with a dead bitch's head in the car, in the first place!

The man is currently in jail facing two charges of murder for the mother and child, as well as charges for killin his own wife, and possibly some charges on being a crazy person who carries decapitated heads around (like some kinda hobo).

You know his ass was givin himself a little road head (she was probably good at it but he couldnt stand her talkin back so he gave her the ol beheading routine).

June 15, 2006

Uncut is just plain nasty: Mom, Dad argue over kid's hoody...

A divorced couple is going to court over whether their 8 year old should be circumsized. The mom wants the snippity snip, while the dad wants his boy to have all those nerve endings when he's fuckin some bitch up the ass (or maybe he likes the smell of smegma... ew i just vomed a little...).

The mom says he's been having inflammation and pain in the groindage, and he should have it removed. She also said the dad didn't want the op because he's jealous she married a jew.

The court has yet to rule cause the judge is probably debating over whether he prefers cut to uncut on his bois for hire. Either way, the kid's gonna be in pain whether it's a little post surgery tickle, or a buncha nasty dick cheese that will stop him from gettin laid.

God bless America.

Peter Parker outed himself as Spiderman!

Holy shit. Spiderman actually held a press conference and outed himself as Peter Parker in the newest issue of Civil War (a miniseries about the Marvel superhero universe going ape shit over a Superhero Registration Act).

First they outed Daredevil and his life went to shit, and he ended up in jail, now let's hope ol Spidey can survive the bullshit that comes with people knowing who you really are.

Go get this shit if you haven't already. Seeing Captain America say a big "fuck you" to the government, him and Iron Man fighting, Spiderman coming out, this shit is insane. Mark Millar (the writer) you are one crazy ass mofo. I heart you.

Bush loves fishies...

GW will announce this huge ass reserve off of Hawaii will now become a National Park, thus makin damn sure that no one fucks with the fishies and marine life.

It will be one the biggest marine preserve, along with Australia's Great Barrier Reef coming close. A lot of people are impressed that Bush is taking souch a vast redirection on his environmental stances (basically fuck the world, give us money!).

I for one thank Finding Nemo. You know his ass saw that shit and was all like "Awww don't kill the cute little fishies! And the turtles too! We gotta do something mommy!"

Either way, I am happy they finally decided to stop killing everything and bulldozing everywhere, and actually take some responsibility for the shithole we are turning our planet into.

June 14, 2006

Illest motha fucka in a cardigan sweater...

This shit is wicked. Never would I believe that you could have a Jamie Kennedy whitey rap video sayin how bad ass Bob Saget was, and have fucking George Lucas in it! This is some hot ass shit, even though whiteys can't rap, but fuckin Bob Saget will glock a bitch!

June 13, 2006

This tabby cat totally chased a fucking bear up the tree. He was all like, "Oh heyall nah! Bitch ass don't be comin up in my yards-uh!"

The bear was so afraid of this pussy, he climbed up the tree and Jack just fuckin waited there.

"Hey man, I gots all day. I'll just park it right here and wait for your ass..."

The bear finally came down, and Jack wasn't done. He chased this bitch up ANOTHER tree!

"Come n get it mofo, I gots claws and attitude!"

Finally the bear got away unharmed, and Jack fucked some pussy, had a beer and a cigarette, and called it a night. Lewis and him should be BFFE (Best Friends Forever and Ever).


Get hot Lewis and Jack shirts here.

Gwen and Gavin have a baby boy...

Kingston is such a cool fucking name. I wish more celeb parents would take note that they don't have to name their kids after fucking food or rat droppings to be "original." But leave it to two bad ass musicians to have cool kids names, rather than some coke whore actress.

You Yahoo! bitches best be joinin gmail...

A worm has infiltrated Yahoo! Mail, and it will fuck up your computer just by reading the e-mail.

I got this shit, but luckily had a warning e-mail from someone saying in the subject,
DO NOT OPEN that!".

The e-mail is titled "New Graphic Site" or some shit like that, and will do major damage to your PC, so don't open any fucking e-mails with that subject line. Or get new anti-virus shit and gmail, and you won't have to worry about this one.

Taylor Hicks is rockin it to the spot light...

Taylor Hicks has his first single out today. I like his ass, so take a listen.

June 12, 2006

Fuck this shit! I'll go vegetarian...

A new mutant strain of Mad Cow disease has been discovered in Texas and Alabama. I thought this shit was over! Now we got fucking Bird Flu AND Mad Cow disease to worry about! Plus we have grenades in our potatoes and corn is an evil satan death seed, jesus! Our food is trying to kill us!

Next thing you know our Tomatoes are gonna morph into giant gun-toting retards that wanna kill our asses one minute, then become super heroes the next in a cheesy cartoon spin off.

Beware bitches, it's not safe to eat anymore, the food will either make you fat, infect you with some incurable disease, or try to blow you up, and or stab you.

Brain dead woman gives birth to baby girl...

After suffering an aneurysm and becoming "brain dead" doctors kept a 38 year old woman alive with machines so her baby could grow, but after her blood pressure began to seriously drop, the performed an emergency c-section and delivered the baby prematurely.

To all those bitches who hate on the greatness of medical advances, this right here is one of the miracles of medicine.

The baby was named Cristina after her mother. Let's hope she makes it.